The Big 2-4 and our March Update

Quick Family Update:

• Derek has been working so hard at his new job and is really enjoying it so far! 
• I have been hard at work preparing "every needful [and not so needful] thing" for the baby. I am 32 weeks and 4 days TODAY!
• Nursery is coming together... stay tuned for the reveal!
• Derek has been having a lot of GI tract issues recently, so please continue to keep him in your prayers. I think the change of environment, the stress of our growing family, and working 10 hour days at a desk job has really caused some problems for him, but it is making him quite anxious. Poor guy. 
• Derek and I have callings in our new ward! I am the assistant secretary in the Relief Society and Derek is the first counselor in the Sunday School presidency. We were also asked to give talks this Sunday on the atonement. I am pretty excited!
• Derek leaves on his very first business trip soon. To me it all sounds pretty exciting, but he says he would rather be here with me. Isn't that sweet?

Yesterday was the big day- my first appointments at OU Children's Hospital in OKC. I have honestly been dreading this appointment since it was scheduled. Not only was my last appointment one of the worst of my life, I was also not looking forward to a potential heartbreak on my birthday. Yesterday I could barely eat and had such trouble going to sleep because I was so anxious! When I finally did fall asleep I had a horrible dream that the ultrasound showed that the baby's defect was much worse than we thought and that he wouldn't be able to live past birth. As I finally started to realize it was all just a dream, I was both relieved that I got a second chance at the ultrasound as well as terrified that what I might have dreamt was a premonition of what was to come!

I laid awake for about two hours and got up as Derek was getting ready for work. Despite my fears, when my feet hit the floor this morning the words from Elder Busche's talk came to mind -- "Embrace each day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks." I decided from that moment that I was going to make this day awesome! I curled my hair, put on some mascara and I was feeling great and ready to go! At this point, I left our master bedroom only to see that my husband had beautifully decorated for my birthday! Cute banners, crepe paper, cake... the whole nine yards. I know he has been so tired working long days recently too, so his sacrifice to make me feel special was even more meaningful. He is my perfect companion.

6 am photo shoot. Derek's decorations look so so cute! He knows what the ladies want.

Derek got in an hour or so at work and then met me at OU for the ultrasound. I don't know why I was so hesitant about transferring over there, this place is like a luxury hotel and everyone is so kind! Our ultrasound technician was super sweet and happily humored us with all of the fun details parents love: pictures of the toes, hands, face (although baby was head down so no 3-D images this time)... she could even see hair in his head! Incredible. Of course we also saw the lesion, which is always a bit of a downer, but even in the sad moments there was just an overwhelming feeling of peace that this was the best place for him to be born and that we would get it all taken care of. For other SB parents who might someday find this and want to compare stories and others who are interested, our son's lesion is like a cystic bubble that measures approximately 6cm in diameter. By Spina Bifida standards, this is really quite large. Thankfully, the size of the protruding defect itself doesn't have any correlation with function, so judging by the location (sacral, believed to be somewhere between S2-S5) as well as how closed his spine really is (no sign of scoliosis and definitely a very small opening in the spine rather than a large gap) he has a great prognosis.

This is the Children's hospital where our little one will be born. It is the biggest hospital I have ever been in. 

This is what it looks like on the inside. Lots of comfy sectionals for families to hang out, a cafe on the next floor, and a cool rainbow bubble wall. My appointments yesterday were on the floor below this one.

Here is a picture of the world's cutest baby. I always thought moms just said that about there babies, but I legitimately think he is the cutest baby ever. In this picture he is in the head-down position (upside-down). His luscious lips are on the top left of his face, then a little button nose, and we see his right eye (the left side of his face is in shadow). He also has his little hand up against his chin. He already has so much character and was making cute faces, sticking his tongue out, opening and shutting his hands, and scratching an itch on his chin. 

We also found out that, though he does have increased swelling in the left ventricles from last time, his numbers are actually completely normal on his right side. The perinatologist explained that this had been the case in all of my ultrasounds (although, no one had ever mentioned that before). Unlike my last perinatologist who explained that "everything will just get worse," our doctor explained that at levels like 1.8 cm (1 and under being normal) on the left side, a shunt might not even be necessary. It is still considered enlarged, but apparently it's NOT as bad as we might expect. As far as not getting a shunt, I am taking that with a grain of salt of course, but how nice to have a little hope! In all other ways, our 32 week baby is looking very healthy at approximately 4.5 pounds. His last height measurement was about 17 inches long, but now he is too balled up to get a good estimate on his size. He is moving a lot (including clenching his little toes....THAT MEANS HE CAN FEEL THEM, PEOPLE) and we have a lot of hope for a positive future.

After our ultrasound, I went to meet with my OB (and consequently, a lot of other really smart people who are apart of my team now). She has worked with several spina bifida moms and seemed to know her stuff. She was very kind to me, and I could really see she was making an effort to phrase her words carefully to give me realistic hope about what's to come. One of the major things we discussed today was my birthing options. Both she and other specialists really believe a c-section will be better for baby. The main concerns include my first labor/delivery experience being a total wild card (who knows how awesome I am at having a baby until I do it, right?), possible rupturing and subsequent infection of the lesion on his spine after a vaginal delivery, and the research from 1990 that found that children delivered via c-section perform better than those who do not. I am going to be honest, I hadn't thought a lot about the first two points before our discussion, but I really don't feel super inclined toward a c-section because of a study done in an age when most cases of spina bifida weren't even diagnosed until after birth, which makes a huge difference in how the hospital is prepared for the situation and what surgeons perform the repair. Because of my own beliefs as well as my inclination toward a vaginal delivery, I spent a great deal of time in a "discussion" with these doctors about what really was best. They were really sweet and said that I was awesome for even caring. They also realized it wasn't what I wanted, so they really encouraged me to make my final decisions with the baby's surgeons. I absolutely love everyone I have met and I love that they take the time to discuss their research with me and treat me as a human capable of making smart decisions. Multiple times they encouraged me to just think of this place as "home"....and it's not hard to do! It seems weird, but that hospital has an amazing spirit. These doctors have been given the gift of healing Christ's little ones just as Jesus would if he was on earth today.

Got my flu vaccine and t-dap. Anything for da babaye. It won't really be flu season by the time the baby arrives so Idk how relevant that will be, but I did think that even 60% effectiveness was worth a shot (literally). The t-dap (whooping cough) though is super important. Is it a crazy new mom thing to ask that people who plan on visiting the baby while he is recovering all have their tdap? I just think his little body will be working so hard to recover that I'd hate for him to get exposed to whooping cough on top of it! But if that really seems crazy just lie to me and tell me you went and got it.

In other baby news, my doctors also said that it will be better to schedule an early delivery, around 39 weeks, to try to avoid anything going on unplanned. I will also be meeting with the OU physicians every week to keep an eye on my labor as well as baby's growth. I can't believe that we are looking at about 6 weeks now until he makes his arrival!

I filled the rest of the day with fun and wonderful things. Talked to some family members, sneaked some remnants of cake that Derek leveled off to stack the layers, watched some HGTV, took a wonderful nap, went to a few minutes of a Relief Society activity, and then met up with Derek for our fun celebration! We got gyros for dinner, opened presents (including a fancy sewing machine that I have been eyeing for months...baby crafts await!), and finished the day off with some cake and cuddles. It was just a WONDERFUL birthday!

Oklahoma gets a bad wrap, but I absolutely love it here. I saw this sunset on my way to church today and I had to take a picture!

Grandma Warner made this amazing little hoodie for Baby Askham. The stitch is tons of little tiny loops so it looks like a lamb! I can tell it took hours of careful work and cannot wait to get the little one in it. His great grandma spoils all of us!!!

Blowing out all 24 candles! Almost started a fire! ;)

Both Derek and I love funfetti cake. It tastes delish AND looks so happy. After we are our slices, the baby was so excited and jumped all around. Derek says "He really IS my son!" Hahaha!

After today, I am feeling really positive and excited. As I was eating lunch, I caught myself thinking of how grateful I am for this pefect baby and that I love him just the way he is. I guess normally those sorts of thoughts wouldn't be a big deal, but for me it was the first time I legitimately felt complete peace about our situation and could just bask in the love I have for this little guy. I don't think I will ever love this struggle or the challenges it causes for my son, but I love him so completely that the way I see his birth defect has really changed. He is my little boy, and I love every bit of him. I can't imagine my world without him in it, and I wouldn't take anything back. We prayed so hard for this baby to come to earth, and I am so glad we are pregnant with him. After receiving the diagnosis, I remember feeling like I would be somehow less of a mom and that my "mom" life would never be like everyone else's. In my moment of clarity today I really saw how wrong that thought was. Our child needs a mother, and it is an honor that he somehow thought I was capable for the job. Little baby Askham, we love you and are so excited to meet you!

An important infographic.

Thanks for all the awesome birthday wishes! Sending an added measure of peace and love to each of you as you strive to meet your daily challenges.

Little Update Lotta Feelings

There isn't a whole lot going on right now, but I figured I would give a little update just in case anyone who is going through a similar thing someday stumbles upon this blog. I have also had a really hard time writing ANYTHING in my personal journal about this whole pregnancy experience (I am sure several journal-minded people just want to shake me after reading that!). Any time I sit down in the quiet to write my thoughts, I just end up crying... I figure once this pregnancy is over I can just print out my blog posts and tuck them in there. This is a hard thing for me and I am trying to remember that someday soon it won't be this way and I will want to reflect on how I grew...but I also have to balance that with NOT allowing myself to spiral into a sad, pensive despair in the mean time. I am able to keep it together a little better when I try to communicate my thoughts to others, so here I am in all my unpolished glory. As a disclaimer, I will say that this is a very personal and spiritually minded post, so if you aren't down with that, maybe this isn't going to be the most interesting of updates to you. This pregnancy has been as much of a spiritual process to me as a physical one, so to me it's all one in the same.

The past week has really been the hardest for me since probably the first week after the initial diagnosis. I was feeling guilty about that. I feel like I had made so much progress and I was feeling so faithful and confident, but now I feel sad. Guilt really describes a lot of what I feel recently. There is a horrible horrible feeling of guilt when I consider that there could have been something I could have done to influence this pregnancy. Luckily I have really overcome that feeling this week (really a whole discussion on its own, so I will save that for later), but that really is the worst of all the feeling I feel in a given time period. I am trying to remember that I have like a million times the hormones raging through me and it's very possible that I am still just as strong and confident underneath this layer of "sad."

I was really in a terrible place until we had this amazing lesson in Relief Society that reminded me that sucky trials are a part of the mortal experience. The teacher read this commentary, explaining that successfully weathering these trials isn't about a "positive attitude," but instead remembering the qualities of our Heavenly Father. Instead of trying to face all of life's horrible unfairness with a smile and "this is TOTALLY fine!" attitude, we need to remember that we knew that this mortal journey would be hard, we accepted these challenges, and we knew it would end up okay because the Savior would redeem us from every pain, in addition to every sin. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I had permission to totally hate this experience. Once I remembered that feeling all these horrible feelings is a part of our mortal journey and that Heavenly Father sent His son to succor and save his people from things just like this, I suddenly felt like I am doing a good job. I am just trying my best.

This recent emotional experience really stemmed from my trip to a new perinatoligist who simply wasn't as hopeful for our child as all my other doctors had been. Over 90% of parents who receive a similar diagnosis terminate their pregnancies by this time. She didn't say it exactly, but she seemed to think it was selfish of me to prolong my child's life and his suffering. Any time I tried to be positive, she would explain that it will get worse. That his brain will be more damaged (up until this appointment, baby's ventricles were measuring in the high range of normal, but at this 28 wk appt they were officially enlarged at 13mm) his back will be more painful, his legs will stop moving... At the end of the appointment when she applauded me for being so brave during the ultrasound, I told her that I thought it was worth it just to be able to see his little face again. She responded with a smirk and said "good for you for being positive." UGH! I had to try really hard while she was talking to remember all those promises I had already been given, that our baby will grow to be strong and happy and that everything will be okay. I am sure the love I feel for my baby will grow unfathomably once he is really "here," but I also feel I have been blessed with a ridiculous amount of love for him already. I can't imagine my life without him. It hurts me when I feel people imply that it is better that he not be born. Do they not see that he is already a real human being who gets hiccups when I eat cookies and dances to music? That sort of mama love basically made me want to reach across the ultrasound machine and punch this lady. This is probably the sort of statement that makes doctors hate certain patients, BUT: I am convinced she knows nothing about my son. This kid and I have had a good connection from the beginning (you know, when the doctor was wrong about the gender and I totally called it), so I feel pretty confident that I know what I am talking about.

In addition to the rough appointment, I was also informed that I would have to switch all my care to a new hospital. I felt completely devastated, mostly because I trust my current OB so much and he was SOO hopeful. But after calming down in the days since, I know that delivering at OU really is the best. Not only do they have the best SB care in the state, it also means that we won't have to be separated and he can be delivered, have his surgery, and stay in the NICU all in one place. I will be more likely to see him sooner and more frequently, and Derek can easily check on the both of us while we recover. In addition, this hospital is very close to Derek's work, which, in the event of a long NICU stay, would allow him to come visit as his work schedule permits. I am really excited to go to this new place, actually!

In between the moments of frustration and sadness, I still have been able to feel a great amount of peace. I was able to go to the temple with a group of sister missionaries (including one who was our good friend in Pullman before she left!) and I really loved it. As a matter of fact, I didn't want to leave. I have been working hard to get some family names done, and I feel such a better understanding of our eternal nature as I do their work. I was running a little late to the temple and I felt like almost everything was going wrong! I had this family name that needed printing, but that took longer than expected, I lost my directions to the temple... I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to have enough time to take this name with me after all. I just prayed and asked Heavenly Father that if it be His will, there would be time for me to do the work for this family member. As soon as I got inside the temple, everything worked out perfectly and I was able to accomplish what I had set out to do. Not only that, but I also got the impression that this ancestor of mine was just as concerned about her work getting done and was going to do everything in her power to get it taken care of. As I reflect on these experiences when I do my family history work, I have realized I feel such close bonds with their spirits. I believe they help me just as literally as I help them through temple work. They remind me, not only of the fact that life extends beyond this mortal experience, but that our spirits are inherently powerful and connected. When we understand the reality of the eternal nature of our souls, our trials during this earthly period don't seem so bad.

I had been thinking about all of these things when I had the opportunity to receive a priesthood blessing. I am so glad there isn't some rule about how many of those we should get in our lifetime because I would surely surpass it. I have been given such wonderful answers to prayers on my knees, but I feel like nothing compares to hearing words straight from Heavenly Father through a worthy priesthood holder as directed by the spirit. Through this blessing, I was promised that there are many family members on the other side of the veil who are busily preparing things for my son's arrival, and that they will watch over him and guide those around him when he arrives. I cannot describe the joy and comfort that that thought has given me over the past few days. I know there will be good doctors and nurses who will care for my baby when I can't be there, but I honestly felt so relieved to know that those who I love and trust will be there to guard him and inspire those who are working on him when I can't be. In the quiet moments, I feel myself protected and loved by these same angels.

I am learning to trust in the atonement. I think that was the aspect that was missing in my relationship before. I feel like I have a working understanding of our redemption from sin, but it's been the healing from heartache portion that I really have had to study. I think I often would "cast my burdens on the Lord" during sincere prayer, and then at the end of the prayer just pick them all up again and go throughout my day still feeling bogged down. I am learning that if I truly want to feel freedom through the atonement, I have to put it in God's hands and just let it go! Letting go involves accepting that I don't know what I am doing, that I don't know what is best, and that I am okay with not knowing the solution (aside from what is revealed through the holy ghost). Society would tell us that this whole concept is ridiculous and that relinquishing control simply means we are running through life with our eyes closed... but society is also unhappy, unsuccessful, and ignorant of eternity. So I am really fighting my inner "natural man," and choosing to just release it all. I am grateful for the wonderful support our family has been given. It is so great to feel your love, even when it likely feels awkward for you to have to put up with my emotions and constant talking about anything baby/pregnancy related (yes I am aware I do it, no I don't know how to stop it! I pretty much only think about babies!). As always, thank you also for keeping all three of us in your prayers. I know they will heal our child and heal our hearts.

Greetings from Oklahoma City!

The past two weeks have been a complete whirlwind! I feel reminded of the scripture from first Nephi, where Nephi explains that he writes about his life to "show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith..." We have seen so many tender mercies throughout these past few weeks that really confirmed to me that the Holy Ghost was directing us and that we were on the path that most pleased our Heavenly Father. 

Leaving everything we have known in the midst of our greatest trial yet is a terrifying prospect, especially when I knew it would also be hard for our loved ones to send us off. I spent a great deal of my time just before the move silently reflecting on our decision to move to OKC and praying for guidance on the matter in light of our recent news about Baby Askham. In one of these moments, the scripture from 2 Timothy 1:7 clearly came to me. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, of love, and of a sound mind." What a great reminder that fear doesn't come from Heavenly Father, but from the adversary (who wants us to be miserable!). When I get afraid, I just recite this scripture over and over in my mind and think about the choices I get to make (power) rather than the challenges that are forced upon me (fear). I think we are far more powerful than we realize. 

The days before the move:
After returning home from visiting my family for Christmas, we had a few days to get organized and finalize arrangements with Derek's work for the move. We had a wonderful time getting in last minute visits to our family in Pullman and our wonderful friends who have been so supportive. One wonderful surprise was the beautiful heirloom cradle Derek's grandpa gifted to us. He made it for his own children and now passed it on to us for our little one. 

The night before the movers came, I shed a few tears about leaving our wonderful little apartment, and then braced for the chaos of the next day.

Our last snuggle in our first place!

The movers took about four hours to pack everything and get it in the truck. Not only did they pack more quickly than I ever could have, they also insisted that I not even lift anything... long story short, I told Derek that I am never moving myself again... we need movers from here on out! ;) 

Arriving in OKC:
I know some people might think this is asking for trouble, but I had just been praying and praying that things would go smoothly during our move. I was feeling as though I had absolutely reached my emotional limit and I just couldn't bear any more stress. I feel so blessed because that prayer was absolutely granted, our plane flights from Pullman to Seattle to OKC went off without a hitch (which is a lot coming from two fearful fliers), nothing was wrong with our luggage, we were able to get our rental car in less than five minutes, and our hotel was fabulous. 

Sweet ride!

We took a day to rest up at the Residence Inn before setting out on some apartment hunting. We scoured the internet for some apartments that would work and ended up visiting the two top contenders. One of them (in Yukon, OK about 15 minutes from Derek's work) absolutely blew us away and we signed the lease a few days later. I would love to show off the new space a little, but I will save that for another post! 

The other apartment we had believed to be a "strong contender" ended up being absolutely terrifying. The second us two little white kids got out of the car, all these big black guys came out on to their porches to stare at us (needless to say, we don't fit in in the city very well...). I was pretty sure that we were about to be mugged, possibly during this apartment complex tour. The whole place was pretty terrifying (broken glass, slashed tires, questionable stains), and despite the "gated community", I was pretty sure I was more scared of the people inside the complex than out of it! When we got back into the car, Derek and I just looked at each other, shook our heads, and got the heck out of there!

About a block away from this apartment complex, I spotted a 7-11. I had silently been craving the most horrific pile of 7-11 nachos and a slurpee for about 3 weeks (no 7-11s in Pullman!) and when I saw this one, I just knew it was time! I told Derek that we HAD to go inside so I could get my nachos and he said that it seemed too scary (questionable activity going on between cars, people loitering and staring at us, a broken bumper in the middle of the road...). I teased him for being afraid (thinking I have been to scaryish 7-11s before!) and told him that we simply had to go inside. He laughed nervously but started to pull in anyways. Just then, a guy in all black pulled this black hoodie over his face and walked in the store (hello, Subway knife-weilding robber flash back?!) I told Derek I changed my mind and we got out of there as fast as we freakin' could! I almost peed myself from laughing so hard (which is easier when pregnant, but I digress). 

Adventures in Oklahoma:
Aside from almost getting shot on every corner of the city, we have enjoyed exploring our new home! Here are some pictures of our antics:

Does Hobby Lobby become less amazing when you have access to it all the time? I am not sure. I had so much fun looking at all the goodies and Derek pretended to smile for the picture.

Derek's Mom, Lisa, asked that I keep an eye out for fabrics I liked so she could sew some sheets for our cradle. I think I have decided I wanted some plain pastel colors for the sheets, but I happened to see this cute nursery rhyme fabric and had to take a pic. I might need to make a few pillows for the nursery out of this!

Our trip to Whataburger! I can see why people are fatter here, there is seriously amazing food on every corner! I was doubtful, but I loved it.

Out near the older part of Yukon is some pretty cool looking old stuff. I took this picture while Derek was driving. I love the lit "Yukon Mills" sign at the very top!

We don't have a washer and dryer for our apartment yet, so today we took an adventure to the laundromat. Do you have any idea how much more enjoyable laundry is when you have a nice place to sit and a huge table to fold on? No hunching necessary! Plus, it only took like $6 and you can get it all done in an hour (multiple loads at once!). Our goal is to purchase our washer and dryer before the baby comes, because with a set up like this, I am in no rush!

Family Updates:
One of our greatest updates is that my sister Hillary just had her beautiful baby, Henry Joseph, today! He is so cute and she looks amazing in all the pictures. Best of all they are both happy and healthy! Older brother Daniel is so excited to meet Henry. For all the trouble they will surely get into, I also know they will be the best of friends! Our baby is lucky to have two awesome cousins to show him the ropes! 

Our beautiful baby boy is getting bigger and bigger! His kicks are so strong that sometimes I scream out of surprise! It's really nice to have him as my little companion (even if it feels a little like I am hosting a parasite). I keep thinking of that sad quote from The Office where Michael Scott says something like "Someday I want to have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends." I just want to have ALL DA BABIES. I sort of hope that feeling goes away once the exhaustion of parenthood kicks in, otherwise this place is going to start feeling crowded. Luckily, third trimester is around the corner and I am pretty sure everyone hates the thought of another pregnancy then. 

Derek and I have been so grateful for the countless prayers, fasts, thoughts, and positivity sent our way. In a way I don't quite understand, we have seen how they have sustained us and given us strength through this hardship. I actually felt funny about calling our diagnosis of spina bifida our "greatest trial yet" at the beginning of this post because I feel like it has been......easy? That is so wrong to say, because it really has been hard, but I feel like this is a testimony of the amazing miracle that is the atonement. I don't believe there is any greater version of Hell for a mother than the thought of something happening to her baby. But through prayer, study, love, faith, and miracles, Derek and I have been blessed with the strength necessary to greet these challenges. Through Christ, we can all find rest from our heaviest burdens. 

My hands-down, go-to favorite scripture is in Alma 26, where Ammon preaches of the glory of God. He says:

11... But behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

 12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I willboast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

 13 Behold, how many thousands of our brethren has he loosed from the pains of hell; and they are brought tosing redeeming love, and this because of the power of his word which is in us, therefore have we not great reason to rejoice?

 14 Yea, we have reason to praise him forever, for he is the Most High God, and has loosed our brethren from the chains of hell.

 15 Yea, they were encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction; but behold, he has brought them into his everlastinglight, yea, into everlasting salvation; and they are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love

Whether we are referring to "chains of hell" brought on through our own choices or trials that are thrusted upon us, we can be brought to sing redeeming love.

Last time I posted, I discussed our options for surgery for our son. We found out after some detailed scans that our child's lesion is likely between S3-S5 (the lowest bones of the sacrum), giving him the best possible prognosis (likely no paralysis, but still with the possible need for a shunt and likely bladder issues). Because of this prognosis, we are not qualified for fetal surgery. Instead, baby will have surgery within a few hours of birth and will be in the NICU for a week or so (possibly more if doctors decide he needs a shunt). I said in the first post that I would be grateful for whatever option is given to us, and I am striving to be okay with having this out of my control. The greatest blessing I see from this is that Derek and I get to be together throughout our pregnancy, he will definitely be there for the birth, and that we have several months now to choose the doctors we feel will care best for our baby. There is a lot of scary stuff still to come, so we definitely appreciate your continued prayers.

In one blessing I received after hearing the diagnosis, one of the promises I was given was that Derek and I would grow even closer and more in love through this trial. This has been just the most joyous part of all of this! We appreciate each other more, make more time to help each other, we laugh together more, we have become more patient with one another, and when the feelings come and I wake up in the middle of the night to cry a little when I think no one is awake to notice, Derek always is there to quietly stroke my hair till I can fall asleep again. When I found out the diagnosis, I felt as though I would never be happy ever again. How wrong I was! The greatest happiness has come since that moment. I love being with Derek more than words can express, and I am so excited to bring our child home to his loving family. The best is yet to come, come what may and love it!

A New Life

Late in August, I looked down at my first positive pregnancy test. I remember squealing with delight at the two pink lines on our 88 cent test. For months Derek and I had wished, prayed, and cried for our little baby...and after what seemed like an eternity (but wasn't!) a new little baby was joining our family. It's only been five months, but that feels like a lifetime ago.

I received a phone call a little over a week ago that forever changed our family's life. The doctor explained that my latest ultrasound results were abnormal, that something was wrong with the baby's spine. I have gone through painful things in my life, but I will tell you that there is no pain that can compare to what I felt at that moment. Words like "abnormality" "spina bifida" and "cognitive impairment" bounced around my brain as I sat screaming on our living room floor. I had made an imperfect body for a perfect new spirit that had done nothing to deserve the physical and emotional pain of a difficult life. Derek and I cried together as we tried to digest the news. Surely there was a mix up...that this was someone else's baby.

There wasn't a mix up. We met with my doctor on Friday night. He went over his understanding of the ultrasound as well as talked to us about possibilities. To say we were heartbroken would not even begin to describe it

The wonderful news is that through answered prayers, blessings, and tender mercies, Derek and I have been strengthened and prepared to handle this new calling in the week since. More research has given us multiple options to help our child have the best prognosis. What felt like an unsurvivable trial for us has now become doable. I am convinced that no one could love this child more than we can, and there is no mom on earth who is better for this baby than me. We are going to do this! I still cry, but I cry because of the extreme love I have for this little person. I don't know if it is instinct or what, but the success of this child has become my ultimate goal. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do for his well being. I love being his mommy!

So this is what we are up against: Spina Bifida is an abnormality of the spine, determined in the first 20-28 days of pregnancy, before a mother experiences a missed period. While chances of Spina Bifida can be reduced by taking Folic Acid, our geneticist (and several doctors agree) that like 99% of the time, it is just an abnormality left to chance. I was taking 800 mcg of Folic Acid in my prenatal the whole time I was off birth control before we knew we were pregnant, so baby had enough of the good stuff, but for whatever reason the spine did not "zip" together completely, leaving some spinal tissue in a cystic bubble on the back.

Babies with Spina Bifida have extremely different experiences. Some children grow to be very successful both physically and cognitively, while others will need assistance their whole lives. Paralysis is determined by the location of the lesion on the spine, where as cognitive function is determined by damage to the brain caused by hydrocephalus (spinal fluid in the drain) and issues with the shunt (a device doctors surgically place in the brain to drain fluid from the brain into the stomach).

After doing some very detailed scans, we discovered that our babies lesion is on the lower sacrum. It appears to be somewhere between S3 and S5. This is the best possible outcome (with the least, if any, paralysis). While it is possible that our son could need the assistance of a wheelchair or walker, it is far more likely that he will walk unassisted or with the use of braces on his ankles. Our baby's brain shows structural differences to be expected with strain on the spinal cord, but currently there is little/no sign of cognitive damage. The last few days had prepared us for the worst, but we are starting to see that the worst isn't happening here. Our child seems just as determined as we are to have a happy and fulfilling life!

We are currently investigating two options for our little one. The first of these options is fetal surgery. There are two different fetal surgery options (open fetal surgery, where the uterus is cut down the midline and a pediatric surgeon repairs the spine and then stitches mom closed; and fetoscopic surgery, where the same repair is made but done through scopes.) that we are considering. I have qualified for fetal surgery at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. If we choose to go through with this option and all my results allow it, this surgery will likely be done the second week of January (very soon!). I would be on bed rest and asked to remain in Houston for the duration of my pregnancy.

The second option is post-birth surgery, where the baby's spine is repaired within the first few hours of birth. The results for this surgery are a little less successful long term, but also less risky for mom and do not impact future pregnancies like cutting into the uterus would. With this option, I would likely be able to carry full term, live in Oklahoma City with Derek, and have time to meet with various pediatric surgeons before the surgery is done. Baby would likely be in the nicu for several weeks after surgery.

Because our child's lesion is so low and his prognosis is so good, it is possible that he will be be denied fetal surgery. We are so grateful that we even have these options, that we are praying that God's will is done here, and we will find joy and satisfaction in whatever option is offered to us.

Friends and family, we love you. We really appreciate the love and prayers that have already been offered on our behalf. I know that this is a calling that Derek, baby, and I have already accepted in our pre-earth life. We already determined that we have enough faith, love, and willingness to make this work...we are just rediscovering that now in mortality! Derek and I have also been realizing that we have had several experiences that have unmistakably prepared us for handling the emotional, financial, and educational aspects of our growing family. God knew that we would go through this experience far before we realized it here. I have never felt a love for anything like I feel for my little guy. Please continue to pray for us to have the strength to meet these challenges, and please pray for our baby that he will be healed; that his life will be put in the hands of capable doctors and that his body will be strong enough to withstand the trials he will soon experience. We are so excited to celebrate this precious little spirit!

Rethinking My Hobbies

What do you like to do?

Since high school, I have probably had about the same list of things I say or write down whenever forced... running, music, singing, and reading. Perhaps I am the only one who thinks this way, but that question usually elicits a dull moan from inside my heart. 

Just about a month ago, when I was most recently forced to write my recited list of hobbies, I thought sadly to myself, "I don't like to do anything anymore." Sure, running is great, but I don't do that as much as I have in the past...Or music is nice, but I have a hard time loving listening to music since my meningitis messed me up...I like to sing, but I find performing so stressful these days...and sitting there reading makes me feel like I am going to get bedsores. 

I went through about a week of this slump, thinking I was in some sort of crisis, and believing I had realized I am the least passionate person who has ever walked the earth. You know when your friend introduces you to someone new and you realize that you and this someone don't have anything in common, but THEN you have to sit there for hours pretending to like this person and you feel terrible by the time you finally leave?! Well THAT is how I felt about myself! I felt forced to like activities that I found tired, boring, or frustrating. It was a mess.

The slump continued until one morning when I decided to do some family history work. After plugging away at my family tree, I found I had been doing it for several hours without even noticing! At that moment, I realized that genealogy must be a hobby of mine, because I just LOVE to do it. As soon as I put that together, all of a sudden I thought of other things that give me that same forget-to-eat, never-want-to-stop feeling...

In addition to loving genealogy,

I love to:

COMPLETE DIY PROJECTS

DO CANNING

COOK

WORKOUT

LAUGH

LEARN

COMPLETE TEMPLE WORK

SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY

And much more....

This experience has reminded me of a few important things: first, who you are and what you enjoy can change; secondly, making time for my true hobbies makes me feel energized, not exhausted; lastly, this life is about discovering our talents and passions, not just clinging to ones we already have explored. 

So, my friends, what do YOU like to do?

Internship, Puppy, Birthday, OH MY

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We are now back safe and sound in our apartment in Pullman, but we are still reeling from our whirlwind Summer. We enjoyed our time in the Tri-Cities so much. The area is actually quite pretty, the weather is hot (but bearable with AC), and there is PLENTY to do. Every once in a while I still find myself thinking about restaurants I want to go to or places I want to see, forgetting I am back in Pullman.

Internship:

We were really blessed to be given the opportunity to work jobs that were within our interests, and also gain a lot of skills while there. While I was working at a tutoring center, I learned that I just loved to help kids learn to read. I also learned I am not quite as bad at math as I once thought. It was hard to leave that job but I know Derek finishing his education and tying all the bows on our work here in Pullman is for the best.

Watching Derek's experience over the Summer has truly been unforgettable. It has been really fun to watch Derek find his niche and see the how he comes alive when he is where he needs to be. He put countless hours into studying, discussing, pondering, and reading up on various tools, coding languages, and software to really maximize his experience at PNNL. Within only a few short weeks, he became one of the few interns to receive his Splunk certification (which is a real thing, I promise), and demonstrated his ability to problem solve issues in a real-life scenario. Watching him work has really strengthened my trust in him. For a control freak like me who suffers from the conflicting feeling of wanting to go out and do everything for myself, while also wanting to someday be a stay-out-home mom with my future kids, it has put my mind at ease to know that I can hand over the reins and know that my family will be well taken care of. Now whether or not that has cured me of my control-freakness is yet to be seen, but hey, acknowledgement is the first step.

Puppy:

Unfortunately, not all of our experiences were completely pleasant. While work was great, things in our temporary home were not always easy. Wrapped up in this whole thing was little Rizzo, a seven month old chihuahua mix (possibly a Fox Terrier, a mix known as "taco terrier"). Rizzo had just been rehomed at the end of July. It is believed her previous owners adopted her from a shelter, but they gave her up because they felt she was untrainable. The family whom we were living with took Rizzo in, but after just a day or two, it was clear they were not caring for her in the way she needed. With several little children, Rizzo nipped the youngest baby (likely out of either nervousness or playfulness) and sent the dad into a terrible rage. Not only was I scared for myself, but I was most certainly scared for little Rizzo who was receiving horrible punishment. About half an hour later I went to find Rizzo. I couldn't leave her there. Derek was nice enough to allow us to take her home with us to Pullman for the weekend. While there, we decided that it would be best if Rizzo didn't go back to Kennewick. When it came time for us to go back to the tri-cities for work, Derek's parents were nice enough to take her in to puppy-sit her.

For weeks I prayed with sincere intent that we would know what to do with Rizzo. She was sweet, and (despite what her previous owners said) the smartest, most well trained dog I think I have ever seen. I wanted her for myself, but I knew that this probably wasn't the best long-term decision. Upon our return to Pullman, Derek's parents asked if they might be able to keep her. She had already formed a bond with their dogs as well as Derek's parents, and they were all quite lonely when we had taken her away for the weekend! Just yesterday the deal was sealed, and Rizzo was officially adopted by Derek's parents. A part of me is sad not to have a little doggy in the house, but I am also so glad that Rizzo is now in a forever home that can take care of her and love her as she really deserves. 

Birthday:

At the conclusion of our internship experience, we planned a fun birthday trip for Derek! He turned 25!!! WOOHOO! We had planned to spend the weekend visiting my parents in the Seattle area. Little did Derek know, I had actually bought Seahawks tickets for the pre-season game on Friday, August 14th (his birthday!). My parents had a whole Seahawks party waiting for us, and Derek as SO shocked to learn what his birthday surprise was!

On the day of the game, we took a bus to downtown Seattle and then walked to the Stadium. Even in the downpour, all the other 12s were so excited to see our hawks! We were lucky enough to be one of the few sections that was covered from the rain, AND we had a great view! Even though the Seahawks couldn't quite pull it off (20-22), we had so much fun. We came home with full tummies, sore voices, and great memories! I am really excited for the season to start!

On to our next adventure!