This week is the start of a new year for us, something special the three of us will always share. On December 18th of last year, we received Peter's fetal diagnosis of spina bifida. From that moment on, it really felt like the walls of my life work collapsing. I stopped writing in my personal journal because the quiet reflection time was just too much, I focused on trying to overcome of pray away our trials, we moved from our friends and family, entered a new place and a new world of constant doctors appointments and a lot of hard news and big decisions. When Peter was finally here with us, I struggled to stay present. The lack of sleep, painful recovery, lack of help, and ever-growing to-do list made me feel like a failure. And I was ANGRY! I had done everything "right," yet here everything was going wrong.
I spent a great deal of 2016 angry, I think. Angry and broken. Any time I opened myself up to spiritual feelings, I felt peace. But that peace made me angry! Why should I have to learn to find peace in this situation, I thought, when millions of other moms don't have to go through HALF of this stuff. Why did I choose to bring a child into this world if it would be so hurtful and hard for him? I felt as though peace was a lie. When I felt good about my [horrible] situation, that was just God lying to me... because this is not okay! I was sick of pretending things were okay. Derek was really the only person I ever let in on all of these feelings because they are just bad. No one wants to hear these things. I wasn't even sure that I really believed them....but my body and my mind was just at it's breaking point. I think people tend to think I am a pretty put together person so I just had to expose myself a little here to get the point across- this was a hard, difficult, taxing year.
There was a turning point though, at the end of September. After laying in bed another night, crying of course, all of a sudden it hit me what I was so angry about. It wasn't just the fact that I was going through this whole mess, but that deep down I felt lied to by God. One night, when I was about 12 weeks pregnant, I got an overwhelming feeling like something was wrong with the development of my baby. I felt so upset, I ended up asking for a blessing. In this priesthood blessing, I was told that everything was fine, that the baby was healthy, and that I would have a healthy pregnancy. At the time it gave me so much comfort, but obviously given what ended up happening, this became the source for so much frustration. I would try to push this experience from my mind...I tried praying about it (which did not go well because I had some WORDS.)...but even once I had my happy, beautiful, promising little 5 month old, this was still a point of contention in my heart. I tried researching all sorts of things about priesthood blessings, understanding when things are "wrong" and etc. But those answers (believe it or not, weren't coming from a gospel centered source) only fueled my frustration. When chatting with a very good friend one day, I opened up to her about this problem. I tried to speak calmly as to hide all of this frustration that had been festering, but I truly believe her heart could discern the pain that this had caused me. She said plainly how horrible it would feel to be lied to by Heavenly Father, the most loving person ever, and shared her own experience that felt similar. And THEN she gave me the answer that I wished I had asked her for earlier: 1) God sees things differently than we do. Peter is healthy. I am healthy. That aspect has already come to fruition in a relatively short amount of time since that day of the blessing. 2) Heavenly Father tells us what we need to hear to ensure his plan for us. My friend had supposed that if I had been told of all the struggles Peter would have at that moment in his development, the stress and emotion could have been harmful to his fragile developing body and altered the will of the Father for him to be brought to this earth. I felt each word she said resonate with me. ---I debated sharing this for so long because it is so special to me, but also such an easy experience to misinterpret if you don't have a spiritual mind about these matters. But I think there are a lot of people who feel deprived of their promised blessings. I think my friends two points can help in so many of these situations: firstly, that you really do have your promised blessing, you just may not be seeing it with an eternal perspective, and secondly, that Heavenly Father is all-knowing and is aware of our needs. If He has revealed something to us, it's because He knows we need that in our lives, but not always in the way our mortal minds think we do.
This turning point allowed me to start thinking differently about our situation. I was able to open up to the spirit more through study and prayer because I finally felt free from the quiet anger that had taken over me for so long. I began seeing things differently. Our appointments felt easier. I felt more determined to help Peter be as strong as he could. At this same time, Peter began making tremendous physical strides, which certainly boosted my confidence.
It isn't all upward movement, I definitely have my week points, but revelation is coming easier now. The puzzle I have been working on in my mind all year is starting to come together. I am starting to see how this all fits together in the plan of my life, and I am also looking forward to seeing how this will all come together in Peter's life. Just today I was feeling burdened by so many little things that seem to going wrong-- I'm not kidding people, we are talking about things as simple as dented cardboard (P.S. is 8 month postpartum hormone swings a thing? Because it's feeling like a thing over here)-- and I heard this quote on TV: "Jesus could have healed the prints in his hands, but he didn't, so we would always remember Him. So when you have a scar in your life that just isn't being healed, just think of it as His reminder to always remember Him." This made me feel so much better. This life was meant to be perfect for NONE of us. Even Jesus, who walked a perfect life, dealt with imperfection, trials, pain, Those trials we experience in our life just serve as little notes to remember Christ.
Today was the first day in over a year that I wrote in my journal. It felt so GOOD! Like the start of something new. Last year this diagnosis seemed like terrible timing, coming right before Christmas, but this time around I feel like everything is falling together perfectly. I love the reminder of Christ, as well as his mother Mary who endured so many trials as she watched her son. I feel like I can relate! I am so grateful for Jesus and his atonement that helps repair all of this sorrow we've experienced. This is going to be a great year! I love starting fresh, and I love my awesome family! <3 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :)
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