There isn't a whole lot going on right now, but I figured I would give a little update just in case anyone who is going through a similar thing someday stumbles upon this blog. I have also had a really hard time writing ANYTHING in my personal journal about this whole pregnancy experience (I am sure several journal-minded people just want to shake me after reading that!). Any time I sit down in the quiet to write my thoughts, I just end up crying... I figure once this pregnancy is over I can just print out my blog posts and tuck them in there. This is a hard thing for me and I am trying to remember that someday soon it won't be this way and I will want to reflect on how I grew...but I also have to balance that with NOT allowing myself to spiral into a sad, pensive despair in the mean time. I am able to keep it together a little better when I try to communicate my thoughts to others, so here I am in all my unpolished glory. As a disclaimer, I will say that this is a very personal and spiritually minded post, so if you aren't down with that, maybe this isn't going to be the most interesting of updates to you. This pregnancy has been as much of a spiritual process to me as a physical one, so to me it's all one in the same.
The past week has really been the hardest for me since probably the first week after the initial diagnosis. I was feeling guilty about that. I feel like I had made so much progress and I was feeling so faithful and confident, but now I feel sad. Guilt really describes a lot of what I feel recently. There is a horrible horrible feeling of guilt when I consider that there could have been something I could have done to influence this pregnancy. Luckily I have really overcome that feeling this week (really a whole discussion on its own, so I will save that for later), but that really is the worst of all the feeling I feel in a given time period. I am trying to remember that I have like a million times the hormones raging through me and it's very possible that I am still just as strong and confident underneath this layer of "sad."
I was really in a terrible place until we had this amazing lesson in Relief Society that reminded me that sucky trials are a part of the mortal experience. The teacher read this commentary, explaining that successfully weathering these trials isn't about a "positive attitude," but instead remembering the qualities of our Heavenly Father. Instead of trying to face all of life's horrible unfairness with a smile and "this is TOTALLY fine!" attitude, we need to remember that we knew that this mortal journey would be hard, we accepted these challenges, and we knew it would end up okay because the Savior would redeem us from every pain, in addition to every sin. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I had permission to totally hate this experience. Once I remembered that feeling all these horrible feelings is a part of our mortal journey and that Heavenly Father sent His son to succor and save his people from things just like this, I suddenly felt like I am doing a good job. I am just trying my best.
This recent emotional experience really stemmed from my trip to a new perinatoligist who simply wasn't as hopeful for our child as all my other doctors had been. Over 90% of parents who receive a similar diagnosis terminate their pregnancies by this time. She didn't say it exactly, but she seemed to think it was selfish of me to prolong my child's life and his suffering. Any time I tried to be positive, she would explain that it will get worse. That his brain will be more damaged (up until this appointment, baby's ventricles were measuring in the high range of normal, but at this 28 wk appt they were officially enlarged at 13mm) his back will be more painful, his legs will stop moving... At the end of the appointment when she applauded me for being so brave during the ultrasound, I told her that I thought it was worth it just to be able to see his little face again. She responded with a smirk and said "good for you for being positive." UGH! I had to try really hard while she was talking to remember all those promises I had already been given, that our baby will grow to be strong and happy and that everything will be okay. I am sure the love I feel for my baby will grow unfathomably once he is really "here," but I also feel I have been blessed with a ridiculous amount of love for him already. I can't imagine my life without him. It hurts me when I feel people imply that it is better that he not be born. Do they not see that he is already a real human being who gets hiccups when I eat cookies and dances to music? That sort of mama love basically made me want to reach across the ultrasound machine and punch this lady. This is probably the sort of statement that makes doctors hate certain patients, BUT: I am convinced she knows nothing about my son. This kid and I have had a good connection from the beginning (you know, when the doctor was wrong about the gender and I totally called it), so I feel pretty confident that I know what I am talking about.
In addition to the rough appointment, I was also informed that I would have to switch all my care to a new hospital. I felt completely devastated, mostly because I trust my current OB so much and he was SOO hopeful. But after calming down in the days since, I know that delivering at OU really is the best. Not only do they have the best SB care in the state, it also means that we won't have to be separated and he can be delivered, have his surgery, and stay in the NICU all in one place. I will be more likely to see him sooner and more frequently, and Derek can easily check on the both of us while we recover. In addition, this hospital is very close to Derek's work, which, in the event of a long NICU stay, would allow him to come visit as his work schedule permits. I am really excited to go to this new place, actually!
In between the moments of frustration and sadness, I still have been able to feel a great amount of peace. I was able to go to the temple with a group of sister missionaries (including one who was our good friend in Pullman before she left!) and I really loved it. As a matter of fact, I didn't want to leave. I have been working hard to get some family names done, and I feel such a better understanding of our eternal nature as I do their work. I was running a little late to the temple and I felt like almost everything was going wrong! I had this family name that needed printing, but that took longer than expected, I lost my directions to the temple... I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to have enough time to take this name with me after all. I just prayed and asked Heavenly Father that if it be His will, there would be time for me to do the work for this family member. As soon as I got inside the temple, everything worked out perfectly and I was able to accomplish what I had set out to do. Not only that, but I also got the impression that this ancestor of mine was just as concerned about her work getting done and was going to do everything in her power to get it taken care of. As I reflect on these experiences when I do my family history work, I have realized I feel such close bonds with their spirits. I believe they help me just as literally as I help them through temple work. They remind me, not only of the fact that life extends beyond this mortal experience, but that our spirits are inherently powerful and connected. When we understand the reality of the eternal nature of our souls, our trials during this earthly period don't seem so bad.
I had been thinking about all of these things when I had the opportunity to receive a priesthood blessing. I am so glad there isn't some rule about how many of those we should get in our lifetime because I would surely surpass it. I have been given such wonderful answers to prayers on my knees, but I feel like nothing compares to hearing words straight from Heavenly Father through a worthy priesthood holder as directed by the spirit. Through this blessing, I was promised that there are many family members on the other side of the veil who are busily preparing things for my son's arrival, and that they will watch over him and guide those around him when he arrives. I cannot describe the joy and comfort that that thought has given me over the past few days. I know there will be good doctors and nurses who will care for my baby when I can't be there, but I honestly felt so relieved to know that those who I love and trust will be there to guard him and inspire those who are working on him when I can't be. In the quiet moments, I feel myself protected and loved by these same angels.
I am learning to trust in the atonement. I think that was the aspect that was missing in my relationship before. I feel like I have a working understanding of our redemption from sin, but it's been the healing from heartache portion that I really have had to study. I think I often would "cast my burdens on the Lord" during sincere prayer, and then at the end of the prayer just pick them all up again and go throughout my day still feeling bogged down. I am learning that if I truly want to feel freedom through the atonement, I have to put it in God's hands and just let it go! Letting go involves accepting that I don't know what I am doing, that I don't know what is best, and that I am okay with not knowing the solution (aside from what is revealed through the holy ghost). Society would tell us that this whole concept is ridiculous and that relinquishing control simply means we are running through life with our eyes closed... but society is also unhappy, unsuccessful, and ignorant of eternity. So I am really fighting my inner "natural man," and choosing to just release it all. I am grateful for the wonderful support our family has been given. It is so great to feel your love, even when it likely feels awkward for you to have to put up with my emotions and constant talking about anything baby/pregnancy related (yes I am aware I do it, no I don't know how to stop it! I pretty much only think about babies!). As always, thank you also for keeping all three of us in your prayers. I know they will heal our child and heal our hearts.
