A New Life

Late in August, I looked down at my first positive pregnancy test. I remember squealing with delight at the two pink lines on our 88 cent test. For months Derek and I had wished, prayed, and cried for our little baby...and after what seemed like an eternity (but wasn't!) a new little baby was joining our family. It's only been five months, but that feels like a lifetime ago.

I received a phone call a little over a week ago that forever changed our family's life. The doctor explained that my latest ultrasound results were abnormal, that something was wrong with the baby's spine. I have gone through painful things in my life, but I will tell you that there is no pain that can compare to what I felt at that moment. Words like "abnormality" "spina bifida" and "cognitive impairment" bounced around my brain as I sat screaming on our living room floor. I had made an imperfect body for a perfect new spirit that had done nothing to deserve the physical and emotional pain of a difficult life. Derek and I cried together as we tried to digest the news. Surely there was a mix up...that this was someone else's baby.

There wasn't a mix up. We met with my doctor on Friday night. He went over his understanding of the ultrasound as well as talked to us about possibilities. To say we were heartbroken would not even begin to describe it

The wonderful news is that through answered prayers, blessings, and tender mercies, Derek and I have been strengthened and prepared to handle this new calling in the week since. More research has given us multiple options to help our child have the best prognosis. What felt like an unsurvivable trial for us has now become doable. I am convinced that no one could love this child more than we can, and there is no mom on earth who is better for this baby than me. We are going to do this! I still cry, but I cry because of the extreme love I have for this little person. I don't know if it is instinct or what, but the success of this child has become my ultimate goal. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do for his well being. I love being his mommy!

So this is what we are up against: Spina Bifida is an abnormality of the spine, determined in the first 20-28 days of pregnancy, before a mother experiences a missed period. While chances of Spina Bifida can be reduced by taking Folic Acid, our geneticist (and several doctors agree) that like 99% of the time, it is just an abnormality left to chance. I was taking 800 mcg of Folic Acid in my prenatal the whole time I was off birth control before we knew we were pregnant, so baby had enough of the good stuff, but for whatever reason the spine did not "zip" together completely, leaving some spinal tissue in a cystic bubble on the back.

Babies with Spina Bifida have extremely different experiences. Some children grow to be very successful both physically and cognitively, while others will need assistance their whole lives. Paralysis is determined by the location of the lesion on the spine, where as cognitive function is determined by damage to the brain caused by hydrocephalus (spinal fluid in the drain) and issues with the shunt (a device doctors surgically place in the brain to drain fluid from the brain into the stomach).

After doing some very detailed scans, we discovered that our babies lesion is on the lower sacrum. It appears to be somewhere between S3 and S5. This is the best possible outcome (with the least, if any, paralysis). While it is possible that our son could need the assistance of a wheelchair or walker, it is far more likely that he will walk unassisted or with the use of braces on his ankles. Our baby's brain shows structural differences to be expected with strain on the spinal cord, but currently there is little/no sign of cognitive damage. The last few days had prepared us for the worst, but we are starting to see that the worst isn't happening here. Our child seems just as determined as we are to have a happy and fulfilling life!

We are currently investigating two options for our little one. The first of these options is fetal surgery. There are two different fetal surgery options (open fetal surgery, where the uterus is cut down the midline and a pediatric surgeon repairs the spine and then stitches mom closed; and fetoscopic surgery, where the same repair is made but done through scopes.) that we are considering. I have qualified for fetal surgery at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. If we choose to go through with this option and all my results allow it, this surgery will likely be done the second week of January (very soon!). I would be on bed rest and asked to remain in Houston for the duration of my pregnancy.

The second option is post-birth surgery, where the baby's spine is repaired within the first few hours of birth. The results for this surgery are a little less successful long term, but also less risky for mom and do not impact future pregnancies like cutting into the uterus would. With this option, I would likely be able to carry full term, live in Oklahoma City with Derek, and have time to meet with various pediatric surgeons before the surgery is done. Baby would likely be in the nicu for several weeks after surgery.

Because our child's lesion is so low and his prognosis is so good, it is possible that he will be be denied fetal surgery. We are so grateful that we even have these options, that we are praying that God's will is done here, and we will find joy and satisfaction in whatever option is offered to us.

Friends and family, we love you. We really appreciate the love and prayers that have already been offered on our behalf. I know that this is a calling that Derek, baby, and I have already accepted in our pre-earth life. We already determined that we have enough faith, love, and willingness to make this work...we are just rediscovering that now in mortality! Derek and I have also been realizing that we have had several experiences that have unmistakably prepared us for handling the emotional, financial, and educational aspects of our growing family. God knew that we would go through this experience far before we realized it here. I have never felt a love for anything like I feel for my little guy. Please continue to pray for us to have the strength to meet these challenges, and please pray for our baby that he will be healed; that his life will be put in the hands of capable doctors and that his body will be strong enough to withstand the trials he will soon experience. We are so excited to celebrate this precious little spirit!

Rethinking My Hobbies

What do you like to do?

Since high school, I have probably had about the same list of things I say or write down whenever forced... running, music, singing, and reading. Perhaps I am the only one who thinks this way, but that question usually elicits a dull moan from inside my heart. 

Just about a month ago, when I was most recently forced to write my recited list of hobbies, I thought sadly to myself, "I don't like to do anything anymore." Sure, running is great, but I don't do that as much as I have in the past...Or music is nice, but I have a hard time loving listening to music since my meningitis messed me up...I like to sing, but I find performing so stressful these days...and sitting there reading makes me feel like I am going to get bedsores. 

I went through about a week of this slump, thinking I was in some sort of crisis, and believing I had realized I am the least passionate person who has ever walked the earth. You know when your friend introduces you to someone new and you realize that you and this someone don't have anything in common, but THEN you have to sit there for hours pretending to like this person and you feel terrible by the time you finally leave?! Well THAT is how I felt about myself! I felt forced to like activities that I found tired, boring, or frustrating. It was a mess.

The slump continued until one morning when I decided to do some family history work. After plugging away at my family tree, I found I had been doing it for several hours without even noticing! At that moment, I realized that genealogy must be a hobby of mine, because I just LOVE to do it. As soon as I put that together, all of a sudden I thought of other things that give me that same forget-to-eat, never-want-to-stop feeling...

In addition to loving genealogy,

I love to:

COMPLETE DIY PROJECTS

DO CANNING

COOK

WORKOUT

LAUGH

LEARN

COMPLETE TEMPLE WORK

SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY

And much more....

This experience has reminded me of a few important things: first, who you are and what you enjoy can change; secondly, making time for my true hobbies makes me feel energized, not exhausted; lastly, this life is about discovering our talents and passions, not just clinging to ones we already have explored. 

So, my friends, what do YOU like to do?

Internship, Puppy, Birthday, OH MY

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We are now back safe and sound in our apartment in Pullman, but we are still reeling from our whirlwind Summer. We enjoyed our time in the Tri-Cities so much. The area is actually quite pretty, the weather is hot (but bearable with AC), and there is PLENTY to do. Every once in a while I still find myself thinking about restaurants I want to go to or places I want to see, forgetting I am back in Pullman.

Internship:

We were really blessed to be given the opportunity to work jobs that were within our interests, and also gain a lot of skills while there. While I was working at a tutoring center, I learned that I just loved to help kids learn to read. I also learned I am not quite as bad at math as I once thought. It was hard to leave that job but I know Derek finishing his education and tying all the bows on our work here in Pullman is for the best.

Watching Derek's experience over the Summer has truly been unforgettable. It has been really fun to watch Derek find his niche and see the how he comes alive when he is where he needs to be. He put countless hours into studying, discussing, pondering, and reading up on various tools, coding languages, and software to really maximize his experience at PNNL. Within only a few short weeks, he became one of the few interns to receive his Splunk certification (which is a real thing, I promise), and demonstrated his ability to problem solve issues in a real-life scenario. Watching him work has really strengthened my trust in him. For a control freak like me who suffers from the conflicting feeling of wanting to go out and do everything for myself, while also wanting to someday be a stay-out-home mom with my future kids, it has put my mind at ease to know that I can hand over the reins and know that my family will be well taken care of. Now whether or not that has cured me of my control-freakness is yet to be seen, but hey, acknowledgement is the first step.

Puppy:

Unfortunately, not all of our experiences were completely pleasant. While work was great, things in our temporary home were not always easy. Wrapped up in this whole thing was little Rizzo, a seven month old chihuahua mix (possibly a Fox Terrier, a mix known as "taco terrier"). Rizzo had just been rehomed at the end of July. It is believed her previous owners adopted her from a shelter, but they gave her up because they felt she was untrainable. The family whom we were living with took Rizzo in, but after just a day or two, it was clear they were not caring for her in the way she needed. With several little children, Rizzo nipped the youngest baby (likely out of either nervousness or playfulness) and sent the dad into a terrible rage. Not only was I scared for myself, but I was most certainly scared for little Rizzo who was receiving horrible punishment. About half an hour later I went to find Rizzo. I couldn't leave her there. Derek was nice enough to allow us to take her home with us to Pullman for the weekend. While there, we decided that it would be best if Rizzo didn't go back to Kennewick. When it came time for us to go back to the tri-cities for work, Derek's parents were nice enough to take her in to puppy-sit her.

For weeks I prayed with sincere intent that we would know what to do with Rizzo. She was sweet, and (despite what her previous owners said) the smartest, most well trained dog I think I have ever seen. I wanted her for myself, but I knew that this probably wasn't the best long-term decision. Upon our return to Pullman, Derek's parents asked if they might be able to keep her. She had already formed a bond with their dogs as well as Derek's parents, and they were all quite lonely when we had taken her away for the weekend! Just yesterday the deal was sealed, and Rizzo was officially adopted by Derek's parents. A part of me is sad not to have a little doggy in the house, but I am also so glad that Rizzo is now in a forever home that can take care of her and love her as she really deserves. 

Birthday:

At the conclusion of our internship experience, we planned a fun birthday trip for Derek! He turned 25!!! WOOHOO! We had planned to spend the weekend visiting my parents in the Seattle area. Little did Derek know, I had actually bought Seahawks tickets for the pre-season game on Friday, August 14th (his birthday!). My parents had a whole Seahawks party waiting for us, and Derek as SO shocked to learn what his birthday surprise was!

On the day of the game, we took a bus to downtown Seattle and then walked to the Stadium. Even in the downpour, all the other 12s were so excited to see our hawks! We were lucky enough to be one of the few sections that was covered from the rain, AND we had a great view! Even though the Seahawks couldn't quite pull it off (20-22), we had so much fun. We came home with full tummies, sore voices, and great memories! I am really excited for the season to start!

On to our next adventure!

Best of Friends

June is finally here! With the change of the month has come one big change of our own:

After a long LONG search, Derek and I accepted an internship at Pacific Northwest National Laboratories in Richland, Washington. For the past eight or so months, Derek has been dutifully searching for a Summer internship to complement his major in Management Information Systems. As a matter of fact, he was looking for so long that it seems pretty sad to try to boil it down into one paragraph! We looked at several companies, and Derek had a fair share of interviews, phone calls, and ended up with a few options still on the table at the end of April. While we had brief love affairs imagining our lives at these different companies, PNNL really felt right from the beginning. Those feelings were cemented when they made us a fantastic offer and we accepted later that week.

Since being here in the Tri-Cities, we have been reminded time and time again that this is EXACTLY where we need to be. Derek is learning so much about programming and working with "big data", and I am having so much fun watching him learn and be so excited about what he has been doing! He is making friends with those he works with, networking with nationally respected developers, gaining certifications for programming, and getting hands-on experience problem-solving and developing original content for a huge company. He has just come alive and is really soaking it all in! At a recent meeting they had with their mentor, Derek learned that about 280 people applied for the position from  over 90 different universities, and only 10 were selected. Derek is one of those 10! I am so so proud of him and his hard work, and I am glad he is finally getting the opportunities  I feel his hard work deserves.

I feel like a little bragging is in order here, because I know Derek won't do it! Prior to Derek's mission he had really struggled in school. His mom was in desperate need of a kidney and pancreas transplant in order to save her life, his brother was having troubles emotionally, and his dad was away from the home. During this period of extreme emotional and financial stress, Derek completed his two year mission, came back home and got back to work immediately. Since then, Derek has now brought up his GPA significantly and will graduate Cum Laude (way to go!) in December, will have IT and development experience working in several great companies, and will be fantastically suited to join the labor force with the support of his family (who is now reunited and healthy!). It is one thing to be good academically from day one, but it is quite another to make such a journey to academic success. He has worked SO hard!!!

In other news, our two year anniversary is coming up and I just can't believe it! July 19th will mark two years of marriage for us, and I have got to say, year two was even better than the first! Though we have always been close, I feel like we have really just become absolute best friends this past year. We have started to learn more about ourselves to help us work better together, and we just have fun every day! It really is just so much fun being together, laughing together, and preparing for our future together. I am so lucky to have such a kind and warm-hearted companion to go through eternity with. He is just the bomb! I feel like we have been together forever, and just can't imagine my life without him. I love that he takes me on all of his adventures and he lets me drag him along all of my spontaneous projects.

Life in the Tri-Cities has been so fun together! All of our dating and married lives we have lived in Pullman. While it has been great for some reasons, Pullman is seriously lacking in the "fun" department. We have grown so used to making our own fun (like walking through walmart or making a dessert together) that it's now really exciting to have so many shops, malls, parks, and more ALL AROUND US! Last night as we were driving to the grocery store, I accidentally had Derek take a wrong turn and we ended up passing the September 11th Memorial (a remnant of the twin towers) so I was pointing it out to him and he said "You Pulsipher girls always bloom where your planted...As soon as you get somewhere your all trying to find out the history and going on drives to see where roads connect and stuff." I guess I thought it was a normal thing to do (epecially when I don't have much else to do), but I know my mom and sister do the same thing too!

In addition, I have also been lucky enough to get a job as a teacher at Sylvan Learning Center, which has been great, AND I have had a lot of free time to take adventures to various places around the tri-cities. My favorite daily adventure I have had before work is to go to the temple grounds and read my scriptures. Before we left for the Summer, our Stake President in Pullman challenged our ward to read the Book Of Mormon in three months. Derek and I are both set on completing the challenge, and I have already had such a wonderful experience reading the Book of Mormon outside in the sunshine next to all the flowers at the temple. I feel really blessed to be able to take an hour out of my day for spiritual "me" time, which is something I have felt I haven't had the chance to do in a while.

I feel like the Book Of Mormon challenge couldn't have come at a better time, as recently there have been a lot of sad tragedies in the news that have touched my life. First there was the death of 16 year old Maylee Anderson, who passed away after succumbing to injuries sustained from a car accident on Memorial Day. While I never knew her, several facebook friends were familiar with the family and I began following her story earlier in the week. Then late that night I heard of the passing of sweet Natalie Barnard, who was serving as a missionary in Atlanta, Georgia when she was in a terrible car accident. Her family moved to Snoqualmie when I was in high school and I attended seminary with her older sister, and was familiar (and had many younger friends who were very close) with Natalie and her beaming personality. The following day, Elder L. Tom Perry passed away from cancer, which had very recently been diagnosed and progressed like "wildfire". I know for each one of these stories there is someone far closer than I was who are affected by them, but it has really struck a chord with my heart. I am grateful for the Book of Mormon that has really taught me the reality of those who come before us, as well as those who come after. I think it is very natural to be scared of the unknown that accompanies death, but I have recently been reminded of the simple words of a favorite hymn:

"O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise.
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home."

In order to make God's house our home, we need to acquaint ourselves with it. Allow ourselves to be comfortable in the temple and on its grounds. As I have attended the temple more regularly and made reading the scriptures and spending time there a habit, I have found that my soul can really relax and feel at peace there, and I love it! When we think of our lives in an eternal perspective, all of our little doubts simply do not matter. There are somethings we may never fully understand in this life, BUT what we do know is that (1) we have a Heavenly Father who loves us; (2) We were spirits who learned, loved, and socialized before we were born; (3) We jumped for joy at the opportunity to come to earth, gain bodies, and have mortal experiences; (4), When we leave mortality, we are welcomed by family and friends (some who we knew on earth and some we didn't) to a beautiful world or realm where we learn more about the gospel, teach and serve others; (5) We also know that we will be reunited with our loved ones, we will be resurrected, we will be judged by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and the righteous will then inherit all that God has. I find that when I focus on the Plan of Salvation, all these other little things don't seem to matter much. I am grateful for the testimony of these things that I have been given as I study the Book of Mormon and other aspects of Gospel Doctrine. 

Our time as a "stranger" or "guest" is in fact more descriptive of our earth life than our spiritual life. Our true home was never meant to be in this fallen world... We have a far greater destiny ahead!

Substitute Survival Guide

Since I last updated:

• I have completed my student teaching, received my degree and teaching certificate, suffered unemployment anxiety, and I am currently working as a substitute in one of the local school districts
• Derek has completed his semester with flying colors, started a new job as an intern at Schweitzer, and began his new semester at WSU
• We have celebrated another wonderful Christmas together, visited my family for a couple weeks after Christmas, pulled off a wonderful (and quick!) wedding for Derek's brother and sister-in-law, repainted several pieces of furniture :)

This past week has really been a blur, and in the midst of it all, I have officially started my work within a local school district as a substitute teacher! While I had already subbed in the middle school I was student teaching, subbing in all of these different schools and age groups has been a HUGE learning experience. 

When I walked into my first official sub job at an elementary school, I was feeling super confident. After all, I had already been subbing for a few weeks in other classrooms as an intern....little did I know the little version of heck that awaited me. Within about half an hour, I had lost all of my confidence. I was embarrassed that my kids were loud, that they were out of their seats, and that they were THROWING THINGS?! WTFRK!? Everything I knew about classroom management and relationship building in the classroom was out the window. When a fellow teacher stopped in during lunch to see how I was doing, we chatted for a bit and then she asked "So, how do you think it's going?"

 I remember thinking if I should answer this question dishonestly and say everything was going fine... but then I remembered what another teacher had told me "There is no room for pride as a new teacher." So after a little bit of silence I smiled and said "I just cannot get them to do ANYTHING! They won't stop talking, they won't sit down, they won't pay attention! I have no idea what to do!"

She laughed at me while I explained all of this and said "This is why I am too old to sub. You are young and have lots of energy, just hang in there."


So I hung right in there. Then I started to have a little fun. I looked at what I was doing as an experiment instead of a perfect science. I wrote down things that might help me in the future. And I complained on social media. Then, the day was done and I got to go home with a wad of money in my pocket (or my bank account?).

After a few days of this I have already learned some awesome things that have enabled me to have a good time. Just in case any of you are interested, I thought I would list them here:

1. Accept that a classroom with a substitute will not be as productive as a normal class day. That very first 5th grade math class I walked into (the one I described above as being a hellish nightmare) was set up for failure from the very beginning, because I pushed for and expected productivity, when I should have promoted a smooth and organized class. I needed to accept that the lesson our teacher had planned was just too long, and the kids too rowdy to get through. Instead of rushing the kids and causing all sorts of complains (and rebellion!), I should have paid attention to the natural pace of the class. 
2. Bring Pencils. The most frequent request I have in almost every class so far is for a pencil. In my own class, I felt like my 13 year olds needed to be self-sufficient in that respect, and I brought that attitude with me as a sub. BIG MISTAKE. These kids don't know me, and are looking to take advantage of any "down" time I give them. If I ask them to ask their peers to borrow a pencil, it will take ten minutes and a LOT of heartache. Now, I have awesome NEON pencils ready, enough for a whole classroom to borrow if need be. It eliminates the time it takes for students to get situated, removes their excuse that they can't do their work, and the neon color makes them easy to spot so I can get them back at the end of the class.
3. For grades K-5, have a simple reward. Every kid on earth wants to be bribed to do a simple something. In a normal teaching environment, if all else fails, you can bribe not with a physical reward, but with something really sappy: respect. As in, "I've noticed that this assignment isn't super interesting to you, but I believe it will help you in the future. Will you do it? For me?" And guess what, that sappy stuff almost always works. BUT as a sub? Not a chance. They don't know me, and some of them don't care to. So instead I have bought a huge pack of stickers. Kids who are on task get a sticker. Suddenly, every kid is on task! Paying $3 for 2000 stickers is certainly worth it to keep my sanity. 
4. Get to know the SECRETARY. The secretary is your gateway to money and friendship. If she hears that someone is sick, she will be the one that calls! So I have learned to ALWAYS return my secretary's calls (even if I can't work the job), and say hello and goodbye to her when I am entering or leaving the school. And guess what, yesterday she left a message that said "Hey cutie! I just had a teacher leave sick, would you come in? I will even pay you for the full day!" Boom!
5. Memorize some filler activities/games. In a normal classroom if there is a little wiggle room after the lesson is over, you might just allow your students to complete an assignment or chat amongst themselves for 5 minutes. As a sub, I have found that this is the WORST idea. I have memorized some dorky little games like "do as I do, not as I say", "The ABC game", "heads up seven up" and other little time fillers. Even the older kids think its fun and it keeps the kids from running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
6. Create a list of things you WISH you had for students to do during free time. "I wish I brought my US State Capitals Flashcards" I thought as I subbed Social Studies yesterday. Just another thing to throw in my sub bag!
7. Radiate love and happiness. I had once heard that, as a sub, you shouldn't try to be liked at all. You should be firm, consistent, and sternly manage the classroom. While I think part of this is true, I just cannot bear to act like these kids do not matter or plan to make NO personal connection with them. While clear consistency should be established, I want both students and staff to feel like I am warm, approachable, and caring. When I recently subbed as a PE teacher for an elementary school, one third grade class walked in the door and they all shouted in their little voices "You look like you are really nice!" and came up and hugged me. I want to be the teacher these little ones think I am! They deserve to come to have a "nice", fair, and caring teacher.
8. Find ways to be true to who you are. Another piece of advice I have heard before was to use whatever discipline techniques the regular teacher uses. While I always stick to school policy, it's the little things that seem more difficult. I have found myself more out-of-sync with the discipline style of male teachers... I think it has more to do with the fact that while they think their techniques are just normal classroom management, their booming voices and larger frames throw intimidation into the mix. I don't believe that I, especially given the point made just above, will ever really intimidate a student. Instead I have chosen to give trouble students a chance to "cool off" (6-12 grade terminology) or "go to time out" (K-5) away from their peers. This usually isolates the problem, but I am still learning here too.
9. Let it go. Enjoy each moment, look for the humor in the absurd, and just LET IT GO!